Faith and Tribulation...

Hello friends... So... yesterday was an emotional day for me and I hate that I let it get me down. I should know better, and it gets me every DARN time!!! I battle with the demon of "fear" in trying times. I have been through ALOT in my life and now that Im having these health issues, I gather up strength, I pray, Im positive, etc... but when Im tested of all these things that I think I have a good grasp on, BAM! something happens and my heart aches all over again :( I went early to the hospital to get my routine bloodwork that I am to have done weekly... well my platelet count has dropped. As soon as I found out, the weakness overcame me and I felt an overwhelming "need" to cry, but I didnt... for one I had Leslie with me and on the other hand I thought what good does that do me? It sure wont increase my count then and there... :( I have been subbing for the elementary all week and was scheduled to go in that day as well, honestly friends I wanted to call in and go home and crawl into my bed, yes in state of mega depression. BUT... I held back my tears and kept strong and I drove to school. All day I stayed very strong, the wanting to cry was there, but I knew I just couldnt do so... However when we were home after school and Cesar got home I lost it! Tear fest indeed. I dont like to question why and how God does things, because He knows what He's doing, but friends it so much harder to follow Gods plan and path than I thought. My husband comforted me and stayed very calm and reassured me that everything is going to be okay. I asked him, am I not praying correctly? Am I not worthy of being healed? Which Cesar told me not to ever ask again, God knows why He does what he does and He knows I have the strength to accept all of this in His precious love, which only made the tears flow even more, but I understood what he was trying to tell me and make me understand... We must not let doubt overcome the faith because then all that we have worked towards to- faithwise becomes LOST. That is something very difficult to comprehend. I am great at giving everyone else advice and picking them up when they are down. It is so easy for me to pray for others, but it is so HARD to pray for myself... We attended bible study last night and at the end of our discussion they prayed that God heal me. I cried through the whole prayer, but I appreciated it VERY much. I slept well and today I was in good spirit. I am back on the meds and pray SO HARD that it will help increase these darn platelets! Also, that soon I am free from this horrible illness FOREVER! I believe in the power of prayer and thank everyone that has prayed for me, it is a blessing to have so many ppl care for me and it feels really good inside. I am crying as I wrap this post up, but Im also releasing much of what I keep couped up inside... thank you friends for your support and kind words. Thank You God for this blessed day and everday that you bless us with. Much love, Yess :)

The weekend I have been waiting for...!

Hello my friends!!! I kno I kno, I have not been doing a good job of keeping up after I promised myself to do so!!! but anyway, Im back and with a really good blog today!! ok so back in December I attended a womens retreat, my first one ever, and I really enjoyed it!! I mean REALLY enjoyed it! So after I had experienced it and arrived home I shared with my husband how awesome it was and how awesome it made me feel. He was happy for me, but that was it. He wanted no part in ever experiencing for himself. To be honest it kinda hurt my feelings the way he put it... I mentioned that a mens retreat was coming up soon, and before I could even BEGIN to suggest that he attend, he stopped me right in my tracks of words and said in a rude manner "if theres a mens retreat I WONT go" It hurt my feelings but I dropped the subject and never really talked about it again to him. In the meantime I prayed alot about it though. I knew that I myself could never force him to go so I prayed that God touch his heart and mind so that from his own person he would want to go. As with most men my husband likes to drink his beer every now and then, but the fact that he doesnt drink often, I guess his mindset is to drink nonstop when he has the chance and well I HATE IT! Always have and always will... Hes not the violent or hateful "drunk", hes the happy talkative "type" and that burns me up even more! I have never been into the drinking thing, I really dont understand the concept, ppl drink and drink and then feel horrible the next day???? odd to me that one would put oneself in that kind of predicament! LOL! I can honestly say I can count how many girly fruity drinks Ive had in my life, starting at age 24! haha... yea lame to some, but like I said not my "cup of tea" So anyway, 90% of any of our arguments have been over his coming home "happy", and the love that I feel for him turns quick into "I love you so much that I HATE that you do this therefore you make me hate YOU!" Very frustrating because in the sober normal state he is the best husband I could ever ask for and the best dad Leslie could ever have! So the fact that alcohol could have such an impact on our lives especially our marriage makes me want to vomit! But a "macho man" not drink, that is unheard of!! ugh! Needless to say I pray so much for this awful enemy to withdraw itself completely from him FOREVER! Well, ladies and gentlemen, Im not sure what it was that prompted him to FINALLY decide to go, but this past weekend Cesar Palacios, aka my hubby, lol, attended a mens retreat in Odessa, TX!!!! Alleluya!!!! :) The fact that he even "decide" to go was a blessing in itself, but then came the real and true test... Would he even get anything out of it? Would he be bored out of his mind? Would he feel what God has been trying to tell him? I prayed so very much since he left Friday until yesterday. At the end of these retreats they hold a special closing ceremony so that family and friends can be there for support. Well we decided to surprise him and we took off yesterday morning in order to be there by 3 pm! I say surprise him because we never mentioned that we would go. He left Friday @ noon along with 5 other men and as he left I thought to myself, "God please guide all of them in Your path" So Leslie, my mom, and I get there and we hide so Cesar couldnt see us. To see him be SOOOO into the worship and sing to our Savior--- It brought tears to our eyes, bawling!! But they were tears of happiness... When the service ended, Leslie and I went up tom him from behind and he was totally shocked and so happy to see us as we were as well to see him! We held each other for what seemed an eternity but we didnt want to let go and it was just amazing! I hope this lasts in him forever!! There were so many men that attended, we were very surprised to see all of them together in worship and loving it! Cesar said he enjoyed it so much and he didnt even want to leave, lol! I remember feeling the same way when I went.... it was just so much peace and heart filled of so much LOVE... *big sigh* There were even 4 men that proposed to their "wives" in civil union to be married through the church.!! That was def another tear fest! lol... all in all my friends this was something so amazing for my family and we are so blessed to have been able to live this. whew! Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed! :) Much love, Yess :)

Dr. visit

Hey gals and dudes if you are reading also.. :) so today was the first time I saw the dr again since leaving the hospital... I mentally prepared myself or so I thought and much prayer like always.. the wait in the room was agonizing enough but I managed to keep my mind occupied as I looked out the window at construction right there by clinic @ hospital... Scary big machines and cranes with guys on harnesses hanging literally from the side of their work place. I waited and waited and prayed and prayed... Finally dr walks in and he is just so nice that I am so blessed to have him as my doctor in this trying time. His name is very appropriate as well, Dr. Heaven. :) Hes very personable and talkative. Very informative, however with this condition there is really no explanation as to why it happens, what triggers it or when it will go away.. Thats a lil unsettling to my heart and soul, but I must stay strong and know that God is in control. Really KNOW He is and not have any doubt... a prayer with doubt is not a valid prayer! I had blood work done there and my platelet count has gone down, but perhaps because of the meds also going down on dosage. 6 more days of meds and then nothing to see how I maintain the count on my own. I asked about something that is very dear to me, whether or not a pregnancy would trigger this ITP even more. He said theres really no way of knowing, but because this is my 2nd episode and this time without a fetus, I would more than likely be at high risk of going through this again. That part really saddens me deeply. For years we have wanted another baby, but the fear of me going through this again and how dangerous the situation could become has prevented or halted us from doing so. Many times though I have let God know that Im at peace if its His will for us just to be blessed with Leslie, our miracle indeed. But in the back of my heart, theres always that lil want for another baby... Oh well, I need to overcome that and take care of my health exactly for Leslie above all, she needs me and I cant be selfish and "want" what isnt possible and then God forbid leave her alone to fend for herself. I will pray even more for the strength I need to let go of things like those. The wants and needs on my part do not count, the want or need He decides to grant me is what DOES count. I have wonderful friends who are so supportive of me no matter what and that is definately a plus especially at times like these. I need them so much to prop me back up when I begin to slide down... Thank you girls! :) That is a blessing in itself! Next appt isnt until Feb. 15th, so we'll see. Smiles and positiveness until then! oh btw, off to the treadmill due to the 5 lbs Ive gained.. not bueno! and its all in my cheeks!!! Darn steroids! lol! much love, ciao! Yess :)

Blessed day :)

Hello amigos!!! So we started our day off fairly early this morn in preparation of our trip to Abilene to baptize lil Matthew Ramon... No drama so that was def a plus! Everyone in good mood and smooth sailing! The church service was great and was packed. Baptisms were held afterwards for some odd reason, but it was nice not to have so many people's eyes on us :) Matthew did wonderful, he slept thru service and was well rested for his big debut! The holy water was warm and startled him a bit, but he was okay after... all smiles! Sweet baby :) This makes our 5th Godchild of baptism... such a blessing. Les loves it even more because these are all her brothers and sisters as well! She makes sure to let everyone know also! I remember when she was in pre-k, she shared with ther teacher and dictated to her so that the following could be written: I have 2 sisters and 1 brother... and when I met the teacher she asked for my children??? I was like um, Les is my only daughter..??? Then she explained... Oh Les, should've known! Afterwards we went to have lunch with the family, and because I wasnt doing so bueno with the good ole stomach from the day before I was afraid to eat anything, but thankfully Im doing good. I went with a safe salad. :) We drove back and have been relaxing the rest of the day and sure have enjoyed it! Thank you God for this beautiful day you blessed us with! Tomorrow Monday again, back to the routine... I have a doctor's appt tomorrow afternoon so I hope all goes well!! I have God by my side so let me rephrase that, I KNOW all will go well!!! Still praying super duper hard!! I feel better each day, a lil tired from time to time, but I just rest it out a lil bit and recharge to keep on going like the energizer bunny! I want to be able to do more exercise activity, waistline is reminding me of that... ick! But I def want to be healthy above all things, so friends you gotta love me thin or FAT! too bad! LOL :) well, thats it for now, Im tired and going to call it a night,,, or as my friends know, going to go to bed and still have my phone and post away until 11 pm on Facebook!!! hahahaha! catch ya there! Much love, Yess :)

weekend ahead...

well well well, Friday evening again... Just got done eating a scrumptious dinner and am absolutely stuffed and SATISFIED! lol! When food is Satisfying, there is a problem-yikes! Again friends, I blame it on the meds for this increased appetite, although I do have to say for the most part it is healthy eating and not junk food exageration... :) Today was so beautiful outside and the sun shining so bright! However, sadly cold front tonight and back to the 50's & 60's this weekend. Oh well, whatever weather God sends we must accept! We have to make a trip to A-town manana to run some errands and there is a birthday party we are invited to as well... Not so sure if we will able to make it or not yet due to other circumstances... And then Sunday we go again to Abilene and baptise baby Matthew! :) This will make our 5th God child! So blessed to be able to hold such responsibility!! Makes me happy though that they choose us to hold this important role in their baby's life. First and foremost to keep the faith in them as we set a very good example in how we live everyday! :) Just a lil problem, I cant decide on what to wear for it yet!!! Always the dilemna!!! haha.. I dare not to bring it up to the hubby though because I can hear the griping already- closet full and you dont know what to wear???!!! ugh, men, they just dont understand about these things! :) He has his outfit ready and got his haircut today in prep of.. haha.. men are just so much simpler, nice shirt and slacks and voila they are ready! We'll see how Sunday goes with all of this.. I will post pics of the outcome! I was also planning on working on our tax return this weekend but Im missing a W-2... grrr.... Im ready for some extra $$$$$... LOL.... well thats all for tonight chicos and chicas! Much love and smile always! Lifes too short not to. :)

Interesting day....

We meet again! :) So today I went back to substituting for the school, only half a day, but it was a good transition to getting back into swing of things... Its nice staying home and relaxing, but it can get boring and lonely :( I missed my little students and they were happy to see me and that made my day! It doesnt pay well, but the hours and convenience of being at the same place with my daughter makes it worth it! And plus I can still tend to my wife and mother duties afterwards without being pressed for time or stressed out of my mind!!! I also feel like Im helping out a little financially as well... I did feel like I missed out on my mini nap though, haha... I could have so curled up and slept right there in the classroom around 2ish!! LOL well, that was the highpoint of my day besides shopping for car insurance and home insurance, what a pain!!! Its reasonable but jst the fact of comparing here and there is a drag! well guys until next time, Im out, literally, for the night! Sweet dreams! :)

super duper happy day!

Hello friends! So lets see where do I begin today... I guess by telling everyone the super duper happiness I feel!! This morning was the first day to really see what kind of progress Ive made regarding my platelet count since being out of the hospital and on medication... so, I said a lil prayer calmly and filled with lots of FAITH and headed out the door. They took my blood and informed me it would only take about 15 mins to let me know the results so as I waited I maintained much peace and was very confident that God has never left my side... and then TA-TA-TA-TAN!!!! The greatest news I could have heard the lab tech tell me, "yay they found you some platelets alright! count 189,000!!!!" YIPEEE!!! I could have so done the happy dance right then and there! I thanked God sooooo much for allowing this to happen! And I just know that I will continue to do better each day with tons of prayer and most all BELIEVE what I pray. There is such thing you know that people can pray with doubt... such as what if He doesnt hear me, and what if my prayers dont get answered? But we have to completely do away with the doubtful and rhetorical questions. Be firm and clear when you pray and talk to God and He will def listen, no questions asked! So needless to say that made for a great start to my terrific Tuesday! Last night we attended a church service in Abilene, they hold this special service every 3rd Monday @ St. Francis Catholic Church and I absolutely love it! I felt at so much MORE peace when I left and to know that all the people there had been and continue to pray for my health is so uplifting. I got up to speak in front of everyone to give my testimony of faith and what I have been through these past couple of weeks... I did better than I thought I would, not alot of tears!! yay! lol. I needed to share His wonderful work and healing and it felt good. We got home late, but it is always so worth it! :) ok, guys and gals, until next time! Luv to all!

Yess :)