Faith and Tribulation...

Hello friends... So... yesterday was an emotional day for me and I hate that I let it get me down. I should know better, and it gets me every DARN time!!! I battle with the demon of "fear" in trying times. I have been through ALOT in my life and now that Im having these health issues, I gather up strength, I pray, Im positive, etc... but when Im tested of all these things that I think I have a good grasp on, BAM! something happens and my heart aches all over again :( I went early to the hospital to get my routine bloodwork that I am to have done weekly... well my platelet count has dropped. As soon as I found out, the weakness overcame me and I felt an overwhelming "need" to cry, but I didnt... for one I had Leslie with me and on the other hand I thought what good does that do me? It sure wont increase my count then and there... :( I have been subbing for the elementary all week and was scheduled to go in that day as well, honestly friends I wanted to call in and go home and crawl into my bed, yes in state of mega depression. BUT... I held back my tears and kept strong and I drove to school. All day I stayed very strong, the wanting to cry was there, but I knew I just couldnt do so... However when we were home after school and Cesar got home I lost it! Tear fest indeed. I dont like to question why and how God does things, because He knows what He's doing, but friends it so much harder to follow Gods plan and path than I thought. My husband comforted me and stayed very calm and reassured me that everything is going to be okay. I asked him, am I not praying correctly? Am I not worthy of being healed? Which Cesar told me not to ever ask again, God knows why He does what he does and He knows I have the strength to accept all of this in His precious love, which only made the tears flow even more, but I understood what he was trying to tell me and make me understand... We must not let doubt overcome the faith because then all that we have worked towards to- faithwise becomes LOST. That is something very difficult to comprehend. I am great at giving everyone else advice and picking them up when they are down. It is so easy for me to pray for others, but it is so HARD to pray for myself... We attended bible study last night and at the end of our discussion they prayed that God heal me. I cried through the whole prayer, but I appreciated it VERY much. I slept well and today I was in good spirit. I am back on the meds and pray SO HARD that it will help increase these darn platelets! Also, that soon I am free from this horrible illness FOREVER! I believe in the power of prayer and thank everyone that has prayed for me, it is a blessing to have so many ppl care for me and it feels really good inside. I am crying as I wrap this post up, but Im also releasing much of what I keep couped up inside... thank you friends for your support and kind words. Thank You God for this blessed day and everday that you bless us with. Much love, Yess :)